Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Am I in crisis?

I'm not sure.  I have been putting a lot of thought into many of the choices I live my life by as of late.  It's been three years since I cut off my hair and started doing the dirty hippie thing, two years since I started derby, and a whole year of keto, and three months since I finally started dating a fantastic guy.  Are these choices still right for me?

Well, I'm not dropping out of derby, that's for sure.  And I'm not switching leagues again!  But I am very far from content with the current state of things, so I plan on running for an executive board position this week.  I'm going to make this league better if it kills them!  It is driving me into poverty, though.  I have an interview for a barista position at Sheetz tomorrow at 7:30 am  -_-;;

Keto?  I just did a full blood panel two weeks ago.  My cholesterol is stupidly healthy.  It is the best I have ever had in the seven years I've been testing.  I love my diet, and I love bacon, and cream, and eggs.  But I can't stop fantasizing about pancakes and Chunky Monkey.  I went to Grange Faire for my birthday and ate myself into a coma.  I enjoyed every single bite, but was in so much pain for the next two days purging the sugar from my system.  I keep going back and forth.  Do I really care what I look like or not?  Is all the bacon in the world really worth not eating 95% of the menu?  Will popcorn really kill me?  It's a thing of willpower, which I have significantly less of on some days.

Dirty Hippie.  This is something I have always classified myself as, and always will, but sometimes I wonder how much the "dirty" part matters.  I finally managed to bleach my Rogue streak again after five or so years, but decided to Manic Panic it red temporarily since I wasn't able to bleach it white all at once and didn't want it to look like piss.  I'm enjoying the red streak (though I liked it better when it was darker), but it seems to have sparked a bit of vanity in me.  I caught the nail polish bug from Cephalogal and did that for a couple of weeks, and even started wearing eye liner.  And then I freaked out Burn.

Burn is a fantastic guy, he treats me very well (unlike my previous relationship), and feels eerily perfect.  Is it wrong for me to be paranoid?  I mean, I thought the last dude was decent, and then I realized the hard way just how much of a scumbag he really is.  And to make matters worse, I didn't realize this until a couple of months after I broke up with him (though I did decide to because i realized he was less than fresh).  Is my douchegauge broken?  How was I able to put up with shit for so long?  Is there anything said broken gauge is missing in my new relationship?  I highly doubt it.  Burn is a bit distracted, but I feel he honestly means well.  So why am I having such a hard time getting past the deception when I have no reason to interact with it again?  I don't know.  It's that Lack Of Self Esteem thing again.  At least this is a decision I have no intention of changing any time soon.

But I digressed.  I've been having attacks of vanity.  Since I visited my mother in August and Had to look good, I've been considering washing my hair, using real lotions instead of coconut oil, and pretending to be an adult.  I don't know why.  The idea of using prefabricated body products terrifies the ever-loving crap out of me.  I hate how they feel on my skin and how they irritate it, but now that my hair goes down my back, I'd like to be able to pass my fingers through it.  And the only way I know how to achieve that is by using a shitload of paraffins and chemical products.  I mean, my hair is very healthy, but that kind of "silky" is always artificial.  The idea just feels so… wrong.  Like I'm cheating myself out of my values.  Would I be?  Is there any way to manage that level of chemical pleasure with natural, home made products?

Yeah.  My head hates sitting still.

Oh!  And I am currently in two swaps (which I should remember to make posts for -_-;;) and am going to a wedding in December for which I need to have two sets of baby gifts.